Maybe you just need some time away.

I'm feeling more validated as of late.

People I used to know and I hold dear to my heart are making their way back into my life. I'm starting to realise I should go out more, money permiting. There are people still out there. I need Matt, but not in an everyday way. I love him to death though.

I'm so happy Smeggy got moved in. I'm surprised that he even has to ask me. He's always helped me without hesitation. I would help Smeggy no matter what! I love him and would help him no matter what! no Matter... his shit is moved. I love him. He's my brother, my best friend...

But he has been my best friend.

He's always been there for me, but he's been distracted, and I understand this. But he was my best friend, and I miss him. I miss the combination of him and Nick. Kiel will always be my best friend. Even though I know his girl will tear him away. And she's ok, so it's alright.

I just don't think I can jump in and make out with some guy all willy nilly with out some booze involved...
But thanks for the invite dave.

Nick wrote me today to say that he's going to be in town on Aug 9th with his girlfriend and he wants to catch up.

I feel so fucking sad right now, I want to cry.

I don't know if it's the he's coming out here with the chick he's probably going to end up marrying, or the fact that in the 3 or 4 years since he moved, nothing has changed for me, and thats embarising.

All I know is that I'm going to try and get out of it. Hopefuly I'll have a job by then and I'll have to work.

It would just be embarising to see him. We went from best frineds who were never apart for more than a few hours, and when he moved, we talked every single day, to we haven't talked in well over a year. I just have nothing to say. "SO, aubrie, how's everything? Whats new?" "Nothing, absolutly nothing is new. I'm exactly the same as I was 4 years ago, only slightly more pathedic. Everyone moved on with their lives and got married and had kids and has a good job, but not me."

I just can't face it.

So Dave came to hang out last night. I thought everything would be alright with him. We had a shit ton of fun! We all laughed, had a good time, etc... I went home even though he wanted me to hang out (Pop's in the hospital having back surgery, wanted to be home if anything happened.)

Everything was fine, everything was nice, then he tested me a in a cute coy way, then asked me something very VERY akward, and yeah, I had no idea how to respond to it. So yeah, I'm kinda hoping he was drunk, cause I still like him, but umm... yeah. I mean, if we had been dating for a while and he said that, ok. Neat. But randomly, I dunno.

Arg. I dunno. I probably end up dating him. 90% sure. And apparently he likes to do certain things. Um... yeah.

I'm going to call Matt tonight, but just to get my movie back, then I'm going to forget about him... bummer, but yeah. You have to kill all crushes.

I knotic that the only time I ever use this thing is to bitch about boys, because I don't want anyone to read about it on myspace.

So, who am I to break with tradition?

So, I think I might call this weekend, but mainly just to get my movies back. It seems stupid to persue something here. I like the bloke, it seems he liked me at the begining, but somewhere it turned into a thing where only I really call, and mainly we only see eachother once a week to fuck.

Which sucks, because I would honestly rather have him as a friend then a go no where fuck buddy. I kinda just wanted a random fuck buddy, but yeah, It's just not good when you have a crush on said fuck buddy.

I do think it's funny that when I find a bloke I like it makes me work out a lot more. I've lost a ton of weight in the past few weeks.

It just sucks. I finally manage to meet a tall darked haired guy who likes the same music, books, and british comedies that I do, who seems to really like me at first, and somehow I manage to muck it up along the way... and I'm not sure how. It was something after that night he got sick. I didn't get him sick! I don't know... arg...

...then there's Dave, Becky's friend, who would be cool if he were 10 years younger and actualy left the house.

Maybe I should give in and date him. Things are always easier when you date someone you don't like at all. I didn't like Bob the whole time. I was never sad when he didn't call, infact, I was quite happy. My heart was never sad.

Time to cut my losses!

PS... how the fuck do you go about making friends? Thats the reason I dated Bob in the first place, and probably the reason I was so happy to meet Matt. We actualy got along. Ania is moving, Lauren's gone, and Beck's busy with her shit (plus I hate the goth clubs), so yeah, once more I'm left with no one to hang out with. How the fuck does one go about making new friends?

Totaly aggrivated.
I wish my heart would just dry up.
Boys don't like fatties.

I hate dating.
I haveing a crush.

I believe I messed up my life. I need a do-over. It started out promising. Now I can't get a job and I'm terribly over weight and ugly, and I'm trapped here, with my fucking parents, who I'm really starting to resent. I want a do-over, or to pull the curtin on this fiasco soon.

Valentines day is a holiday I just over look.

But all of a fucking sudden it's national ex-boyfriend re-contact day.

The one, i didn't mind. It's been a long time, he was a cool guy, 10 years since past that I never actualy broke up with... I just moved away. It was nice to catch up.
The others I could have done without.

I have learned my lesson about those with tiney heads.
And I have learned to forgive, finally.
I've been watching "sometimes, Always" all night.

I'm slightly smitten with a straight edger.
How the hell's that going to work?

Whenever my current best friend moves, I end up in some relationship with some looser who seems up to a relationship.

I'd rather have some best friend to go out with every night than some dumb guy to fill up my time.

Guess I use the "relationship" to fill the void of having someone to talk to every day, hang out with every night, go to shows with, etc.

I've never been quite this depressed before. I've withdrawn from everything and every one. I can't find a job because I'm scared to leave the house and I can't face people. I'm getting pretty scared. I've tried to talk to a a couple of people, and they either don't believe me or don't care. I don't know what to do. I don't know whats happening to me.

So, I'm feeling very old. I'm going to be 26 soon. Thats just a hop, skip, and a jump away from 30, and for someone who hit their peak when they were 15, and never thought they'd live to see the day, 30 is a fucking scarry prospect. There are alot of things which are making me realse that I'm old too, such as:
-I really like Peter Gabriel now, and Genisis can't possibly reunite without him.
-Every time I see a new band on tv, the first thing I think to my self is "look at how young they are They're just kids!"
-All of my favorite cd's went out of print in '95, and no one remembers these bands. Tie That Binds, Game Face, Zoinks, etc... (well, they're not all time favorites, but I like them and can't find their stuff anymore.)
-My hangover's are starting to last alot longer. Really bad ones can go on for 2 days. I used to get shit faced, get 2 hours of sleep, go to work, come home and do it all again. Now I need a day of rest inbetween.
-All of my friends from highschool have moved, been lost to relationships, gotten married, or had kids. (I heard the other night that Rino has something like 3 kids! What the shit?) Once Lauren leaves, I'm going to be the last Ranch kids left here in denver.
-Growing up, I was always the youngest one in any given group. Always the one that had to sneak into bars or have a fake ID. Now, a few of the guys are still older than me, but i tend to be the oldest chick.
-Music I grew up listening to is now Classic Rock!
-Instead of my parents watching over and helping me, I'm now the one watching over and helping them.
-My little brother can beat me up now if he wanted to.
-But, now I could kick my dads ass.

And I've been reading alot of Kerouac and Cassidy bio's, and they're life seemed so romantic... drinking, fucking, living exhistentialy, having a good time, doing drugs, etc... but then they all got old, and lived in shitty apartments, with no one and no money, Cassidy throwing hammers for money to amuse local hippies and get money for some booze. Kerouac, kinda drunk of of his mind and nuts. I've kinda dropped out of this going out every night thing, but I miss it, but really, where does it get you? Drunk, ugly, poor and old. Dieing alone. And I've never been the girl who wants to get married, have kids, and live in the burbs, working 9-5. Bands didn't work out, art didn't work out, comedy isn't working out, now I'm on my last ditch effort with trying to write. So, umm... I don't know what to do.

I hate this.
I don't like "likeing" anyone.
Because it's always the one that you can't have that you like.
As soon as you have them, you don't like them, and grow to hate them.
It's Tantilis. The forbidden fruit... the one who's dangled infront of you.
I haven't likes anyone since Josh (woody;s Josh), and I was ok with that.
I didn't want to like anyone.
And now I do.
I figure that I'm more in love with the idea of what he could be rather than the actual person. My interactions with him are few and far between.
I think, if anything, I'm looking for a replacememnt best friend. Especialy now that Lauren's moving.
I'm left to fend for myself.
And he'd be awesome if we hung out more.

There have been survey's done, 3 choices: which woul;d you rather be:
-Famous
-Smart
-Beautiful
...everyone chooses famous. Thats the last thing I'd go for.
I'd love to be beautiful, just to see what it's like.
But I'd go for smart, because I could do something with my life, and I could probably figure out a way to not be such a fat ass, and have some will power, and be beautiful without it.
I wish someone thought I was beautiful.
I hate it that other poeple am, and I'm not. (Inside and out.)
"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna be adored."
"I rather be no one then someone with no one."
Why is it that the stone roses put it so perfectly?
Why is it, that every 3 years or so, I find someone I actualy like.... I never like anyone, but every 3 years, I actualy like someone... and they don't like me?

I just want a best friend I can make out with.
I'm tired of looking at last call.
I want someone I can go home with, laugh for hours with, and then we make out like the plane is going to crash.

Fuck.

I think I'm just fucking lonely. Everyone has paired up, and it makes me feel out of place. I haven't talked to my best friend in 2 months. Nothing. So much for moving to chicago. Lauren's moving. And that guy just fucking stoped calling, and i'm not going to be a douche bag, and call him. I don't blame him, it's not like I'm cute or anything. I quit my job and just realised finding another one is going to suck. I don't really have the desire to find another one. I just kinda want to be alone and not do anything for a few weeks.
I'm fucking lonely. So I'm going to cut myself off from the rest of the world and just sleep, read, or drink.

I just realised how horrible old (3 or 4 years old) and emo my damned title on my journal here is.

So they kicked Zane out, and I'll probably never see him again. Which is ok. I just fuckin crush on everyone I meet, and I need to stop doing that.

I need to save up some money and move.

I fall in love with everyone I meet.